“god, let the light of your face shine upon me. be my strength, be my everything. i can do all things through you who gives me strength. let your promise live itself out in my day. here i am god. here i am waiting for you to show up. god i have showed up. it’s your turn. i will worship you no matter what the outcome. father, fight this battle for me.”
this was along the lines of my prayer the night before the 18th. the big test day. the biggest test of my life up to this point. countless hours of studying, tiring nights wishing i could go to sleep, and long extended days of filling my brain with knowledge. i was tired. i was worn out. feelings of inadequacy tried to creep in. i don’t think i could have tried to fit anything else in my head even if i forced it in. i was done. the 17th had arrived, and i was going to wake up, and finalize everything i have been working for in the morning. the thing that made me feel most encouraged was hearing from so many people who i know and love say that they were praying for me. this made an amazing difference in my outlook on everything.
i was keeping my cool the day before, no moments of breaking down…. and then 7 am rolled around on the 18th. when my wonderful boyfriend who has been with me and faithful from the beginning of this long trek, picked me up to take me, we called my parents. my dad prayed. when he prays, peace comes.
he prayed, and tears started rolling down my face. my dad was praying to our father in heaven to encounter me in the testing room. to give me effortless help, and ease on every question and to remember his spirit guiding me through. it was in this moment that i gave way. i was totally reminded of god’s faithfulness from the beginning, and his promise that i would never be left or forsaken by him. after this, i still felt excited, but it wasn’t a scared excitement. it was a feeling of power and serenity.
i walked into the test room. signed in, was greeted by a sweet woman who told me i was going to “be warm” to my future patients. (this for some reason couldn’t have come at a better time. her words had an odd source of power to them.) i then logged on to the computer, and hit “begin.” my stomach dropped to the floor, or so it seemed, and i began. question 75 rolls around. before hitting the “next” button, i pray, “okay god, this is it.” i hit the “next” button and the exam turns off. completely.
that was it. i was finished. it was only 10:12 am.
i walked out of the testing center into the sun lit morning, and wondered to myself, “am i really done? was that the NCLEX? is this a dream?” i called andrew to come pick me up, and even he thought it was crazy it was so early.
that day… i had to wait… and wait………………….. and wait. it seemed to be the longest day of my life. the next morning i would find out my score.
to keep myself occupied, i fit as much into the day that i possibly could. andrew and i went to his house, watched madmen, then went to get sangria and mexican food. after that, we went to my house, i cleaned up, and we picked up my best friend janelle, and off to the mall we went on a shopping adventure. it was great! a day with two of my most favorite people in the whole world. that night we had dinner with more lovely people at a picturesque irish pub, laughed a lot, and then moved on to the wine company. i went to bed that night in suspense.
the morning rolls around…. and my heart is pounding. andrew and i meet for coffee and i of course was going to have him check my grade first. so we sign online, and the website is down… and i thought it was the end of the world. we had to wait a few more hours to find out! andrew and i parted ways sadly, and i went running with janelle. it was one of the most invigorating runs of my life. i let off much needed steam.
on the way home from the run, andrew calls and tells me the website is up! i go to his house. he drives to Starbucks. we check the grade in the parking lots. he leans over and says, “come over here and look at this.” i lean over with squinted eyes, and all i see is, Katie Elizabeth Shaw———PASS
both of our eyes fill with tears. tears of joy. it was finished. i wasn’t sure how to process what i saw before me other than cry and thank god for the victory he gave me. 75 questions only, and a passing grade. this incident 100% confirmed his calling on my life. i mean, i am a terrible test taker, and of all the daunting tests i have taken, this on was the hardest.
right now i sit and reflect and look out at the gray, cold michigan sky and think, “great is your faithfulness father.”
as i look for a job here…. my mind is tempted to be anxious. nothing has opened up yet. but today, god has encouraged me to claim the word, “hope.”
there is hope and he is the one to supply it.
i was listening to a podcast by bill johnson, pastor at Bethel church in Redding California, and his words rang so loud through my earbuds into my heart. he said, proclaim this over yourself, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me.” and after this, he said something else that spoke to me. he said, when an anxious person comes in the room, people in that room can sense their anxiety. what would it be like if it a person walked into a room believing that that “spirit of the sovereign Lord” was upon them? there would be a confidence, not arrogance, that fills the room and lights it up. this word was for me. when he said that, tears came to my eyes. and god is once again reminding me to believe in his power, the same power that raised christ from the dead lives inside of me.
